Trust and be Trusted in Return

I did something today i havent done in months...i read a devotional. I wasnt looking for it, i wasnt looking for God or the voice in my ears i cant get out now, I simply stumbled across it looking for a Christmas CD i wanted to hear fro some random reason last night. I also found my journal...but thats for later.  This is not about that. So I put the book next to my bed so i would be sure to see in in the morning.  Getting up earlier than usual, i stumble thru my morning routine thinking "If i have time i will read it." Lo and behold...time was made for it. So I sat down, commited myself to spending a mere 5 minutes open to God and what He wanted me to see today.  To say it mildly...my mind was blown.

A simple topic.

Trust.
Yet so hard for most in this instant gratification world we live in.
Trust takes time. Trust is freely given yet earned all at the same time.  Trust is learned.

Thats not what my devotional was about persay, but its what i got out of it. My devotional was about trusting yourself, your instincts, your calling.  My devotional was about trusting God, the place hes put you in (or youve found yourself in as my case so often is).  It was about living life with uncommon joy thats only found thru trusting God, whats Hes done for you, what Hes doing with you, and what hes going to do with you in the future.  Its was about not letting people tear you down simply because you dont see things the same way as they do, or live your life the way they want you to (something Ive been dealing with a lot lately).  It was about being the person you are CALLED to be rather than the person you are told to be.

No, its not easy.
No, its not going to be all sunshine, daisies, and rainbows once you decide to commit yourself to it.

Its going to be hard
You're going to have to fight even when you dont have the strength to go on becasue you're not fighting with your own strength anymore.
There are going to be days you want to give up...and days you will.

So everything I've read,heard, meditated on, or done today has been about trust.  About trsuting myself.  Trusting God.  Having faith in His plans for me.  Trusting those He's put around me. Trust and be trusted in return.

But underlying all the "trusting yourself and God" frosting is perseverence.  Something i know a little about.  Knowing that even though you dont think you will make it thru one more day...God is there, whether in your amazing friends who have become your family, your community, your dog, or a simple devotional...God is there.  You're not alone.  Trust that you're not alone...becasue you never are.

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

...And Sometimes We Have to Work at It...

Today is just not a good day.  Woke up late...and with a sore throat (which he still doesn't believe i have just because i can eat normally but whatever)...and with hot/cold issues.  Forgot breakfast, and the only coffee creamer to be had was the powdery/nondairy stuff I hate.  On the plus side i did get my project for my Stats class done.  Just need to show the professor to make sure i don't need to edit anymore and all my conclusions are good and I'll be turning it in.  Downside was that we barely talked at lunch and when we did it was harsh...and cold.  Some days are just like that though.  Sometimes you have to work at it in a relationship.  Its part of the territory. 

Moving on...

Thanksgiving is this week.  Oh. Joy. i went from having a very easy (if not slightly depressing day) to having to make a whole Thanksgiving feast for only THREE people!  How did that happen?  Oh yeah! Robin told Dad he had a turkey..dads a tard and said ok w/o having discussed anything with anybody or asking me my plans or talking to Trey about his. Oh man, i just realized...Dad dint ask me my plans at all.  Maybe he didnt want my input...maybe he wanted to do this on his own...maybe bc im so used to taking care of everything and doing everything for everybody that i just picked this up w/o even thing bc thats just what i do.  Maybe i shouldve just left him to his own devices and made my own plans.  You know the sucky thing about all of that though...i didnt have any plans to begin with.  all my friends are doing things with their own families...its not their fault (or mine) that most of my family sucks.  oh man.  Im so over all of this!

Im so tired of fighting for everything.  Im tired of people who have everything I want.  I want my life back.  Im tired of trying so hard.  Im tired of having to fight so much.  Im just tired.  I want my life back.  I want my car back.  I want a decent job that pays my bills and allows me to have a little extra spending money back, i want my happy/positive outlook on life back.I want my independence back.  I want my future back.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!  I want to be able to go to a movie bc i have a few hours to kill and not have to plan on an all day outing bc the bus schedules.  I want to be able to go to San Antonio the next monday bc i just heard about a concert and happen to have the day off.  I want to be able to go get my brother to hangout simply bc i havent seen him in a while and i miss him.  I want to go out to see my mom bc i miss her all the time.  I want to be able to go to his house and hangout w/o having to plan it a month in advance to make sure schedule line up.  I want to be able to take my friends, my community, my family, to dinner bc they've done so much for me.  i want to be able to go to church events and fun things bc i have a way to leave when im ready.  I want to be able to go to the beach bc i feel like it. I want to be able to drive my friends around bc they need it.  I tired of fighting with life.  Im tired of fighting with God.  Im tired of fighting with family. Im tired of fighting. The worst part about all of that is i cant get what i want and i cant stop fighting bc i dont know anything else.

I keep thinking that once i get past a certain stage in my life things will start falling into place.  I will srat being "like everyone else".  my own "happily ever after" if you will.  But im realizing something.  There are no happily ever afters in this life.  Theres no certain stage you get past and things just fall into place.  Theres no genie, no lottery winnings, no luck.  Theres only this.  This never ending fight.  Im not so narcasistic to think im the only one going thru it...i know i have it epicly great compared to some (and im grateful for that no matter what it may seem like on here)...but im tired of having to work at it.  I cant do it anymore.  Not when its coming at me for every direction.I just cant do it. 

So today i have to work at it.  I have to work at a relationship i know is worth it.  I have to work on a life I have to trust WILL be worth it, and i have to work on perseverance, strength, and endurance that does not come from myself.  Today I have to work at it...