Today is just not a good day. Woke up late...and with a sore throat (which he still doesn't believe i have just because i can eat normally but whatever)...and with hot/cold issues. Forgot breakfast, and the only coffee creamer to be had was the powdery/nondairy stuff I hate. On the plus side i did get my project for my Stats class done. Just need to show the professor to make sure i don't need to edit anymore and all my conclusions are good and I'll be turning it in. Downside was that we barely talked at lunch and when we did it was harsh...and cold. Some days are just like that though. Sometimes you have to work at it in a relationship. Its part of the territory.
Moving on...
Thanksgiving is this week. Oh. Joy. i went from having a very easy (if not slightly depressing day) to having to make a whole Thanksgiving feast for only THREE people! How did that happen? Oh yeah! Robin told Dad he had a turkey..dads a tard and said ok w/o having discussed anything with anybody or asking me my plans or talking to Trey about his. Oh man, i just realized...Dad dint ask me my plans at all. Maybe he didnt want my input...maybe he wanted to do this on his own...maybe bc im so used to taking care of everything and doing everything for everybody that i just picked this up w/o even thing bc thats just what i do. Maybe i shouldve just left him to his own devices and made my own plans. You know the sucky thing about all of that though...i didnt have any plans to begin with. all my friends are doing things with their own families...its not their fault (or mine) that most of my family sucks. oh man. Im so over all of this!
Im so tired of fighting for everything. Im tired of people who have everything I want. I want my life back. Im tired of trying so hard. Im tired of having to fight so much. Im just tired. I want my life back. I want my car back. I want a decent job that pays my bills and allows me to have a little extra spending money back, i want my happy/positive outlook on life back.I want my independence back. I want my future back. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want to be able to go to a movie bc i have a few hours to kill and not have to plan on an all day outing bc the bus schedules. I want to be able to go to San Antonio the next monday bc i just heard about a concert and happen to have the day off. I want to be able to go get my brother to hangout simply bc i havent seen him in a while and i miss him. I want to go out to see my mom bc i miss her all the time. I want to be able to go to his house and hangout w/o having to plan it a month in advance to make sure schedule line up. I want to be able to take my friends, my community, my family, to dinner bc they've done so much for me. i want to be able to go to church events and fun things bc i have a way to leave when im ready. I want to be able to go to the beach bc i feel like it. I want to be able to drive my friends around bc they need it. I tired of fighting with life. Im tired of fighting with God. Im tired of fighting with family. Im tired of fighting. The worst part about all of that is i cant get what i want and i cant stop fighting bc i dont know anything else.
I keep thinking that once i get past a certain stage in my life things will start falling into place. I will srat being "like everyone else". my own "happily ever after" if you will. But im realizing something. There are no happily ever afters in this life. Theres no certain stage you get past and things just fall into place. Theres no genie, no lottery winnings, no luck. Theres only this. This never ending fight. Im not so narcasistic to think im the only one going thru it...i know i have it epicly great compared to some (and im grateful for that no matter what it may seem like on here)...but im tired of having to work at it. I cant do it anymore. Not when its coming at me for every direction.I just cant do it.
So today i have to work at it. I have to work at a relationship i know is worth it. I have to work on a life I have to trust WILL be worth it, and i have to work on perseverance, strength, and endurance that does not come from myself. Today I have to work at it...
